Pondering Upon Eagles, Journeys and Life and Death…

Eagle Flying

Early Friday afternoon and I’m trying to relax with a big mug of Lady Grey tea and some soft jazz music from a new online radio station I found on my iTunes – SKY.FM. I just finished enjoying a light repast of fresh Belgian bread with butter and cheese, and some blueberry jam as a treat. I got a real good night of sleep last night, so I feel quite rested for a change – compared to the not-so-great sleep during my trip away from home.

I have spent the past week here in Montreal, recuperating from the long drive home from the Maritimes. I am also trying to catch up on a mountain of web work that needs to be done, but I needed a small break in order to return to the pile of work with a fresh mind.

I left at 4am on Halloween morning, as I always like to do the first leg of a big trip at night, as it is so quiet on the roads with very little traffic. The first part was beautiful, with clear skies and no moon and starlight everywhere.

Caught a nap for a few hours in Moncton and had a leisurely breakfast, then on the road again. Another break in Fredericton, where I took a wander around the mall and ended up picking up an X-Box game for my partner and myself of old classics arcade games. It’s really cool because some of the games were created by one of my old friends that used to work as Senior Game Designer at Atari – I’m looking forward to playing them again.

The first part of the trip during that day was very nice, sunny and fairly warm. The yellow, gold and red foliage alongside the road was a joy to behold. I spied lots of houses along the roads, decorated with pumpkins, scarecrows and orange lights; getting ready for the onslought of Trick-or-Treaters once the darkness fell. When I was younger, Halloween was always one of my favourite times of year, as you could turn into something that you could not be in your regular life. Somewhat like the transition between vanilla life and the darker, kinkier side of things… Little did I know how much time I would spend in dungeons in my later years…. ::grin::

The late afternoon and evening drive however, became quite cool and it started to rain miserably on and off for several hours. I was, however, blessed by a break in the rain and a small part in the heavy clouds when a few beams of golden-tinged sunlight poured through to reveal a majestic eagle soaring above the road.

It struck my heart with a blossom of warmth tinged with sadness, because the eagle was always my Father’s symbol and messenger. (I am of First Nations descent on both sides of my family, and a Status Indian) Since my Father passed away last year, I find that I miss him so very much. There are times that I see things that remind me of him and the pain of his loss is rekindled once more…

I know that life and death are part of the Great Circle of Life. But there are time when you lose someone so important to you that you wonder when the hurting will be any less painful… if there will ever come a time when the thought of that person does not bring a tear to one’s eye and a heavy sigh to one’s heart…

Does it ever stop hurting, or does it just become a numbness?

I miss my father terribly and this week has been particularly hard, ever since I spied one of his eagles on my return journey… I try not to dwell on the loss and celebrate his life instead, but there are times when I cannot help but simply miss him — his rich voice, his helpful counsel, his gentle humour and his warm touch…

How have you coped with the loss of a a parent or very close loved one? Does it ever get any easier?

~ Mistress Jade

3 responses to “Pondering Upon Eagles, Journeys and Life and Death…

  1. Master's Touch

    Never easier, dear Jade, but your father’s counsel lives on inside of you, where it tempers your day to day. The tears will always be there, but the smile of recognition when they appear will be quicker, and fond memories will flow. My own father passed on 8 years ago, a spent shell of the man I once knew, ravaged by Alzheimer’s until he was unrecognizable. It took me five years to find him again, for that smile to re-appear.

    The philosophy you grew up with probably helps you now – to think of your father flying overhead is wonderful.

    And happy birthday soon, by the way! I will be in Ottawa next week visiting my elderly mother, but I’ll hoist one in your honour!


  2. I agree with MasterTouch.. it dosnt get any easier if you think of it as a lost.. but think of it as a blessing that you had then in your life in the first place.. Think of the good times you shares.. the secrets you had together.. and the laughter that grew from your relationship, as well as the love..

    If you look before the last days of there life, you will be able some day to watch that Eagle sore and think of your Dad in the way he is in your heart.. and once again you will feel his touch, hear his voice, and look for advice..

    No one every truely dies as long as they are remembered and loved.. as they live on inside us for ever.


  3. Thank you so much to both of you, MT and Mz_Ess; your kind thoughts are much appreciated…

    There are days when I can think of all the positive things I shared with my Dad, but there are still so many days when all I can feel is this loss, like a hole in the fabric of my life… and it will take quite some time to mend it I suppose…

    Still, those days can be hard to get through…

    Again, thank you for your positive energy — every bit helps!

    ~ Mistress Jade